


putting it on the table

by icarusinflight



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, a kid fic but not as you know it, but also some cuteness, but discussions of having kids, featuring some angst, no actual kiddos for Derek in Stiles here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 06:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13118145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusinflight/pseuds/icarusinflight
Summary: It’s not something Stiles thinks about – until he does of course – and then it’s all he can think about. Derek is great with kids. He’s not stupid – he knows that being good with kids doesn’t mean you necessarily want kids. He’s also not entirely comfortable with the way it tugs in his chest every time he sees Derek interacting with kids.





	putting it on the table

**Author's Note:**

  * For [petals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/petals/gifts).



> This was written for tonystark1d  
> You said you love kidfics and I was like hell-yeah I can do a kidfic and then I wrote this most angsty not-kid-fic.  
> So ummm, _yeah._  
>  I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

 

It’s not something Stiles thinks about – until he does of course – and then it’s all he can think about.

Parrish and Helena have a daughter, a beautiful little girl they call Grace – Gracie.

Parrish is older than most of the pack, so it makes sense that he’s getting married while the rest of them are still in college, still spreading their wings (figuratively) and finding their way. Stiles and Derek might have lucked their way into a relationship – something he really hopes will last – but he’s under no illusion that he’s anywhere close to having his life together. He’s certainly not thinking about starting a family.

Grace Parrish is born on Sunday night at 11:03 PM. Two days later the pack gather to welcome another member to their family, an addition to their mismatched pack. 

There’s even a chance she could be a werewolf herself what with Helena being one – although Derek says they won’t know until later. They usually start showing signs about two years of age.

Helena had a home birth – werewolves don’t go well in hospitals for the most part – and it was an uncomplicated birth thankfully. When the pack comes round to visit Helena and meet Gracie, Helena’s lying on her bed. Parrish is on her left, sitting on the bed with an arm wrapped around her, and Derek takes the chair next to the bed on the other side. As soon as he sits down he reaches out a hand to rest on her arm. Stiles can see the black leaching up his arm which means he’s taking some of her pain. Just one of the perks of being a werewolf – or of having a nice alpha.

When Gracie wakes Parrish picks her up from the bassinet, before passing her over to Helena. The pack continue to chat as she feeds her, before Parrish – and maybe they should actually call him Jordan now that there’s  _ three of them _ – takes Gracie to burp and change. When Parrish returns he passes smaller, cuter Parrish to Derek.

Sitting next to Derek, Stiles peers over Derek’s shoulder to take a look at Gracie. He’s more than a little worried about holding her. If they pass her round clockwise Stiles is next in line for Gracie and he is not sure that anyone should trust him with something as fragile as a baby that’s only just a couple of days old.

Whereas Derek holds her with a comfort that can’t be faked. It’s something he’s seen before – when he and Scott used to hang around the hospital during summer they’d run into new mothers and family in the garden all the time. You could always tell the seasoned mothers – they held their babies with a practised ease. 

Derek holds Gracie with that ease.

When he drags his attention from Gracie to look at Derek it takes his breath away. 

Derek is looking down at Gracie with such affection – and he has a small smile in his face. When Gracie looks up at him he pulls a face at her. Her little hands and legs kick out, and Derek takes his hand not supporting Gracie and catches her little fist with his finger, her tiny little fingers wrapping around Derek’s index finger and Stiles almost chokes out a sob at the sight of that.

It’s easily one of the cutest things he’s ever seen. He feels an honest to god  _ pang _ in his chest – a physical pain which he didn’t think was possible. 

The line from The Grinch pops into his head –  _ his small heart grew three sizes that day _ .

When Gracie is passed to Stiles she hangs onto Derek’s finger like it’s a lifeline, and Derek has to gently unwrap her tiny blotchy fingers – complete with tiny little fingernails – from his finger, and even then she immediately tries to close her fingers back around the now absent space, but fingers instead closing into a fist when there’s only air.

It’s less than half a minute before Gracie scrunches her face up, taking a deep breath and demonstrating her masterful use of her new lungs to the room.

* * *

 

When Stiles was 10, his mom passed away.

As a kid, it had been a pretty defining moment. He sorts his childhood into pre-mom and post-mom. And he and his dad did their best – he never doubted how much his dad loved him and did everything he could for Stiles. But he also knew how much his dad had been lost after mom’s death.

He knew how lost he’d been as a kid after mom’s death.

While he might not have really understood it all, 10 year old Stiles had made a promise then that he’d never leave his own kid behind like he had been.

“I’m never going to have kids.” He’d informed Scott solemnly. 

“Uh okay,” Scott had said, turning to look at Stiles, “I want to have, like, five.”

“Okay,” Stiles agreed, “I’ll be the best uncle to them ever.”

And that had been that. Later Stiles had found out that what his mom had was genetic, and it only solidified his decision to stay kidless.

He’d never really considered re-thinking that.

Until now.

* * *

 

The thing is, once he sees it, it’s impossible to unsee. He sees it everywhere. 

He sees Derek goofing around with the kids at Beacon Hills fair. He sees Derek pick up the four year old daughter of one of his coworkers – swinging her up onto his shoulders and running along to make her laugh. He sees Derek take Gracie so that Helena and Jordan can finish their meals in peace for once.

He’s not stupid – he knows that being good with kids doesn’t mean you necessarily  _ want _ kids. But there’s something about the way Derek holds Gracie, smiles at the kids, and has honest to god  _ patience _ with them that leaves Stiles reeling.

He’s also not entirely comfortable with the way it tugs in his chest every time he sees Derek interacting with kids.

He thinks if they were any other couple this would be when they bring it up. But Derek is as discussion adverse and emotionally constipated as they come and Stiles doesn’t feel like he’s much better. So he does the more reasonable thing – he researches.

For the most part, he strikes out. Parrish agrees with him that Derek is good with Gracie – and in that exhausted tone that he constantly has now, but he also sounds appreciative. Lydia says ‘that man had a God-given duty to reproduce’. Isaac scrunches up his nose at the question and Stiles assumes that because children are just too  _ dirty and grabby _ for Isaac – wouldn’t want to dirty those designer scarves he loves.

It’s Cora who provides him with the most important information.

“Oh yeah,” she says when asked if Derek would be a good parent, “Derek always wanted kids. And he used to look after all the kids in our pack when we were together. They loved him.” She scrunches up her face before adding, “It was so annoying.”

It shouldn’t surprise him – especially considering the fact that he’s asking this question in the first place – but it does. His brain struggles to catch up to that, trying to imagine teenage Derek – that Derek he’d met once who had been so  _ angry and hurt _ – looking after kids. Playing with them and probably doing all the other things for them like feeding and fixing their scrapes and Stiles just can’t catch up to that.

His face must be displaying his confusion because Cora gives him a strange look.

“Really?” He asks, and when Cora just raises an eyebrow at him, he continues, “I just – I wouldn’t have expected that.”

Cora’s face softens at the words.

“Yeah,” she agrees softly, “I can understand why.”

His chest feels like it’s being squeezed, and he can feel the tears pricking at his eyes. The last thing he wants to do is cry, especially not in front of Cora. He makes an excuse about needing to get another drink, standing up to go back inside and leave Cora outside on her own.

“Stiles,” she calls softly when he’s already standing and taken a few steps toward safety. He steels himself for more and turns around to look at her, “I uh – I think that person is still in there. In Derek. He’s still that person, he just… buried it deep after the fire.” She shrugs her shoulders, her face as sad as Stiles has ever seen it before. “You know what he’s like.”

“Yeah, I do,” he agrees sadly, before making his escape.

* * *

 

He wants to bring it up with Derek – he does. But there’s a whole host of reasons why he doesn’t. They’ve been dating a couple of years – Stiles isn’t sure if they’re ready for  _ that _ conversation yet. There’s his own uncertainty about where he stands on the issue. 

And then there’s the multitude of issues which all fall under  _ ‘Derek’s past’. _

Stiles knows there’s a lot of pain locked behind the door which hides Derek’s past. The things he knows he’s either found out by  snooping investigating, chance, or by guessing.

He can count on one hand the things Derek has willingly disclosed to Stiles about his past – either pre or post fire. Confessions required to deal with life or death situations definitely  _ do not count _ .

It’s something Stiles tries to respect. He’s not the most forthcoming himself at times so he’s not one to judge. Derek lets him deflect topics or questions with smart ass comments and sarcasm though and it’s the least he can do is allow Derek the same.

But he wants to bring it up. He just needs to tackle it sensitively. He can do that.

* * *

 

Stiles tries. He really does. He picks a day that he gets off early, he makes Derek his signature jalapeno mac n cheese which Derek  _ loves _ . They eat dinner at the table like Derek loves to and when they sit on the couch and turn onto reruns of Supernatural Stiles slides down onto his knees, intent on blowing Derek before he tries to have the conversation.

He figures a bit of a post-orgasm high won’t hurt the conversation.

Derek blows it all to hell of course by grabbing his searching fingers pulling them up so that Stiles has to sit up taller on his knees and asking, “what do you want Stiles?”

“Can’t I just want to spoil my boyfriend?” He responds – which isn’t an answer, but it’s also not a lie. He’s been around werewolves enough to learn the art of the dodge.

Except Derek knows that move too, and he furrows his brow at Stiles and nope, nope that was not part of the plan – Derek was never meant to get grumpy.

Stiles jumps in before Derek can say anything about it.

“Okay, there’s something. Something I wanted to talk about and I want you to remember that I tried to make this conversation better by blowing you first and that was your decision.”

Stiles sighs, pulling his hands from Derek’s and standing up to move back to the couch beside Derek. He sits back into the corner, angling himself to be looking at Derek without having to turn his head to the side.

He’d planned this part out – has rehearsed this conversation in the shower every time he was in there for the last week. But now in the moment, he can’t think of the words to say.

Derek’s still looking at him, and his face is only growing more concerned – he can feel his heart beating a fast staccato in his chest and that would be broadcasting his rising anxiety at the thought of tackling this conversation.

He decides to just go for it. All in. Balls to the wall and all that.

“Do you want kids?”

Something flashes across Derek’s face – faster than Stiles can catch it and then it’s gone. Derek’s face morphs into his neutral face, the one he wears at pack meetings while he’s waiting people out or negotiations and if anything it’s even worse than his concerned face. This is the unknown. 

He races to continue – hoping that his next words will give him a reaction – something.

“Because you’re really good with them. I’ve seen you with Gracie and with the kids in town. And I just... like… I wanted to ask.”

Derek doesn’t respond at first, but Stiles waits him out. Sometimes Derek just needs a moment and Stiles doesn’t want to pressure him. He just watches and waits – watching for a response – any response. 

Which, when it does come isn’t the response Stiles is expecting or wanting.

“Do you want kids Stiles?” Derek asks, his face still unreadable.

Stiles wouldn’t lie even if he could get away with it.

“I don’t know,” Stiles admits, “I never really thought about it before. But I… ummm… I think I might. Or I could.” Stiles takes a deep breath, and asks again, “do you want kids Derek?”

Derek exhales heavily – closing his eyes and leaning back against the couch. 

“I used to,” Derek says softly, “when I was younger. But I haven’t thought about it for a long time.”

“Why not?”

“My whole family is dead Stiles. For a long time, I thought I didn’t deserve another family.”

“Derek–” Stiles goes to object but Derek cuts him off.

“And, I don’t think I could deal with losing them again. If I lost my family again I–” Derek opens his eyes to look at Stiles, pinning him with his gaze, all the emotion which had been absent earlier now clear in his eyes. “I couldn’t do that again.”

Derek’s voice cracks on the words and Stiles feels like his heart cracks along with it. Stiles pushes forward throwing his arms around Derek’s shoulders and pulling Derek in as tight as he can. It’s only a moment before Derek returns the gesture, wrapping his arms around Stiles and coming to rest on his back.

“You know we’re your family, too, right?”

There’s no response for a moment until Stiles feels the movement at his shoulder, feels Derek’s nod as it ruffles his hair.

They both find it easier sometimes when they’re not looking at each other to say the things they need to say. Sometimes they go up into their bedroom and turn off the lights, just lie next to each other and have the hard conversations. 

This isn’t exactly the same, but it still does the job.

“We’re your family and we’d do everything it takes to keep our family safe.”

Stiles rubs small circles into Derek’s shoulder.

“And if one day that family involves our children, then we’ll do our best to keep them safe too. You know that’s not – it doesn’t mean – we can’t protect them from everything.”

Stiles pulls away from Derek, pulling back to look into Derek’s eyes.

“But we’ll do our fucking best.” Stiles takes a deep breath, before continuing, “For what it’s worth, I think, one day, if you want it, you’d make an amazing parent Derek. Not now, like I am one hundred percent not ready for that now. But, you know, one day.”

Derek leans forward resting his head on Stiles’ shoulder.

“You don’t have to decide now, you don’t even have to say anything. We’ll table this now, but just, you know, if you ever do want to have that conversation. Just say the word.”

Derek nods his head against Stiles shoulder.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, breath warm against Stiles’ shoulder. “Thanks Stiles.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Comments and Kudos give me life  
> Find me at tumblr at [candybarrnerd](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/candybarrnerd)


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